Getting Over Someone

We have reached the age when we can honestly claim that we have witnessed the cycle of life.  We have seen, if not experienced first-hand, many challenges.   As we get older, we may celebrate the increase in our families’ numbers but we also increasingly suffer the loss of family members and friends.  For reasons that those with degrees are still debating, death leaves a more lingering and disturbing emotion on our psyche than does birth.  Perhaps a human loss alerts us that inevitably our time will also be up.  We recognize, reluctantly, that there are no exceptions.  If we are born, we are destined to die.  We only hope that it is later than sooner.  In the meantime, we need to assimilate the deaths of those around us. 

Some have developed the strategy of not attending funerals or visiting the bereaved.  They adopt the “out of sight, out of mind” strategy.  I would not recommend this approach. We have to conquer our fears.  And that includes the one about dying.

After we have taken care of the finances of the deceased – particularly if they are our parents – we need to absorb the loss in a more psychological way, rather than a pure economic format.

The void is always felt, regardless of how many years have passed. The sense of grief never leaves us, but if your pain becomes overwhelming, speak to a professional about it.  Expressing your unnatural sadness to others - though they may be close – is always uncomfortable, especially if they are focused (so it appears to you) on happy or celebratory events in their lives.

The holidays are especially stressful for many of us.  In addition to the other stressors brought on by the holidays, we need to deal with the memories of those that have left us.  Some are rituals and activities that they have directed, leaving us with a gap the size of the Grand Canyon that seemingly cannot be filled.  Often, we only recognize their contributions in retrospect.  If that were not enough, there are people - younger than you – that still get to do things that you, because of your loss, are no longer able, like going shopping with their parents. When our parents were alive we not only thought that they would live forever, but we took their participation for granted.

There are several suggestions that can help mitigate that sense of loss.

·         Create your own memories

Increase your sense of fun - especially during holidays and milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries – by duplicating what others did (even if you don’t do them as well) or substitute your own rituals.  It is also OK to intone the names of the deceased, but not to dwell on it.  Otherwise, you are duplicating their funerals.

·         Invite someone

It is helpful to invite someone to our festive celebration, especially someone who does not have anyone to celebrate with them.  You feel empty when you are by yourself but having another lonely person with you at such critical moments reduces your emptiness.

·         Continue the conversation

Many people keep scrapbooks of their life (digital notices and artwork, are but two examples) and share it – in an imaginary way – with those who are no longer here.  Others make periodic trips to the cemetery, not only to show their respect but to share what is going on in their lives.

·         Be helpful to others who are alone

Share your thoughts.  No one has a roadmap to navigate loss, and don’t presume you have one, but, explain that you are two humans in pain and that you are available to listen and help. Your approach should be one of a wounded healer, not a sage.

The sense of loss and the reality that human life has an expiration date will always be with us.  But we can alleviate those thoughts with some cleverly designed ploys that replace morbid thoughts with merry ones.

Have any thoughts on the issue? Share them with us at www.MatureAging.com, and we may post them (only after getting your permission) in a future edition.

Till next time,

Josh