Having That Conversation

Most of us have difficulty in talking to our friends, neighbors and even (or especially) close relatives about our physical and mental challenges. There are several reasons for such a hesitancy.

One reason is that our negative indicators aren’t always visible.  Like a car brought to an auto mechanic, our bodies can behave perfectly well, but at the wrong times. Many of our adverse symptoms come and go. When we want to feel tired, sore or inactive, we don’t.   Instead, we feel great and are full of energy. We feel grateful for our good fortune, but we silently curse the timing of that good luck.

Part of that reluctance is also because we don’t want to appear that we require their financial aid.  We also don’t want their pity.  All we want is for them to know our vulnerabilities.  Our opening up to them is for them to be informed and – by showing trust – to come even closer together; to get to know one another even better.

There is no easy solution to this concern of sharing, but these three strategies might help.

Let a Medical Professional Do the Talking – Very often we get accused of harboring psychosomatic illnesses (“It’s all in your mind.”), or are indicted for wanting special care, or seek dispensation from specific burdensome tasks.  Taking those whom we want to know the truth - especially those that doubt us – to a physician’s office the next time you are due for a check-up is a step in the right direction. Let them hear the diagnosis and the medical plan to combat the side-effects of your illness from someone other than yourself. They will learn, in case they don’t know it yet, that the road between being put on life-support and dealing with infirmity is a long one.

Be Specific About Your Needs – Instead of talking in generalities, itemize the things that make you feel better. No one can read your mind better than you.  If you can no longer open a screw-top bottle, say so.  Ask for their help and pass the bottle. If you need an afternoon nap every day, explain that great men and women would routinely take a catnap. It did not diminish their performance. The rest only enhanced it.

Don’t Milk It – If you feel you are misunderstood, don’t assume it’s the other person’s problem. It may be yours.  By keeping it simple, you avoid confusion.  Don’t merely say, “I am in pain.”  Or, “It is worse than a toothache.” Rather say, “On a scale of 1-10, I am now experiencing a level 8 pain.”   Rather than go through a lengthy explanation of how a human bladder works, unpretentiously and straightforwardly state, “I need to use the restroom frequently.” Leave the medical diagrams at home.

The two most important things to remember is that how much you wish to disclose, and the timing of those revelations are your decisions.  They are yours entirely to make.  Once we get our weakness off our chest, the filial, spousal and neighborly bonds should become even stronger.  Being direct, open and not worrying about appearing invincible are traits that good people admire.

Have any thoughts on the issue? Share them with us at www.MatureAging.com, and we may post them (only after getting your permission) in a future edition.

Till next time,

Josh